2009 will be largely remembered for ground-breaking spectacles such as Avatar and harrowing character pieces like The Hurt Locker, but this roster of mangy misfires will still lie rotting under the celluloid topsoil. So lest the world dons rose-colored glasses and forgets the cinematic travesties of the past year, it's time to remember the nadirs that made the zeniths that much more enriching.
10. Confessions Of A Shopaholic
The charming effervescence of lead actress Isla Fisher couldn't save this forced, laughless tale of "the Girl in the Green Scarf" - a faux-frugal magazine columnist who harbors a secret addiction to credit cards and all that they can acquire. The concept could have worked, had not all of the gags driving the plot been clunky and wildly unbelievable.
9. Brüno
Isla Fisher's fiance Sacha Baron Cohen had his own stinker in 2009, all the more disappointing since it followed the brilliantly anarchic 2006 pseudo-documentary Borat. As if eager to prove that lightning does not strike twice, Brüno copied its predecessor's antagonistic style while omitting the laughs. One scene in which Cohen dryly rattles off Germanicized versions of celebrity names is one of the most painfully unfunny segments in comic film history.
8. Funny People
While the numerous talents in Judd Apatow's fold have been hitting a slew of home runs (including 2009's I Love You, Man), it was sad to see this comedy godfather birth his first bomb. Apart from a few riotous cameos (James Taylor, Eminem, Ray Romano) the film was notable only for its realistic depiction of poker-faced comedians dealing in jokes as commodities. Unfortunately, the second half of the film shifted focus onto Adam Sandler's obsession with the girl that got away and swiftly capsized.
7. Where The Wild Things Are
Spike Jonze adapted Maurice Sendak's beloved short story into this excruciatingly dire children's tale for mopey slackers. Jonze sifted out all of the joy and whimsy of the original, retaining and enlarging the angst and alienation left behind. Comparing the toothy grins of the book's artwork with the proliferation of frowns found in the film, it becomes clear that these Wild Things have been transformed into unlikeable, unwatchable manic-depressives.
6. The Land Of The Lost
Yet more childhood memories were violated by this improbably inept adaptation of the trippy old Sid and Marty Krofft Saturday-morning television show. The major story elements were retained (including the rubbery Sleestak lizard-men), but somewhere along the line someone decided that this franchise should be retooled as an edgy Will Ferrell vehicle. The end product was loaded with swears, sexual material and psychotropic drugs, and was utterly out of touch with its target audience.
5. Knowing
As if director Alex Proyas hadn't already squandered his geek street cred earned by early cult films The Crow and Dark City, he teamed up with Nicolas Cage for this incongruous story about a faithless alcoholic finding apocalyptic meaning in an unearthed document. Some interesting (and surprisingly downbeat) events enliven the third act, but upon reassessing the goals of the mysterious powers-that-be manipulating the plot, the entire thing unravels into sheer nonsense.
4. The Last House On The Left
Wes Craven's original 1972 horror nasty sparked an ongoing art-versus-trash debate, and it certainly didn't need this polished, soulless update to help fuel the opposition's arguments. The remake reveled in shock for the value of shock, doling out unflinching rape scenes and tons of artificial grittiness while strangely pulling many of its other punches. Thus, the parental revenge portion of the film trudged along lifelessly while audience members questioned their sanity for purchasing tickets in the first place.
3. Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen
The first big screen adaptation of Hasbro's morphing toy line was unabashed Michael Bay action trash, but got by largely on the talents of Shia LaBeouf and the core saga of a horny teenage boy and his rusty car. The inevitable sequel had plenty of "Baysplosions" and soft-core scenes of Megan Fox straddling motorcycles, but failed to deliver on any other level. What's utterly amazing is that its seemingly unskilled screenwriters Roberto Orci and Alex Kurtzman also penned the superlative Star Trek.
2. The Unborn
Unborn writer-director David S. Goyer worked on the screenplays of both Christopher Nolan Batman films, so this folklore-steeped horror film had to be worth watching, right? Wrong! While the ambitious story displayed a surfeit of conceptual seeds (involving Nazi experiments and soul-hungry Dybbuks), it never came close to connecting any of its dots. Worse yet, it expended all of its energy obfuscating an ultimate "twist" that just about everyone guessed from seeing the trailer.
1. The Haunting In Connecticut
The punchline to this vapid joke of a "true story" horror film was that there was no tangible haunting - as just about all of its bumps and boos went unnoticed behind the cast. The only character tapped into this soggy tale of a demonic funeral home in fictional Goatswood, Connecticut was a sick young boy forced to endure numbingly ineffective flashbacks every time he touched a doorknob. Adding insult to injury was that the original Discovery Channel docu-drama available for free on television was ultimately far, far scarier.
With these ten offenders now firmly recalled, dissected and discarded, it's finally safe to breathe easily and head back out to the cinemas with a fresh outlook and heightened expectations. After all, surely 2010 will be full of nothing but great films worthy of cherishing for all time. Right?
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